27 replies I wish I could give at work

 

The following came from a website called kontraband.com.

The list is entitled “27 things you wish you could say at work”.

But I don't want to say any of them at work (OK, maybe number 3). What I really want to say is “Stop giving me more work when I've already got too much!”

I just don't think they're that funny. More snarky, really. So in protest, like the contrary individual I am, I have responded to each with what I would retort. I'm calling it, “27 replies I wish I could give at work”. Note, I didn't take long over this!

Here it is:

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
   >Hmm..that sounds confused - does cognitive dissonance run in the family?

2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f***.
   >So, not much humility or effort then.

3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
   >Never any good I'm afraid.
    

• 4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
  >Must be that strange dialect I picked up when I went to University.
  

5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
>Yes, I do try to give the workers a laugh from time to time. On my way down from the Ivory Tower.

6. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
>Well she tried to take my tooth, but I managed to fight her off. Something may have been broken in the process.

7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
>Good to know that at least you didn't get into any unknown cars when growing up.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

>OK, just that sounds dodgy. I'm already visualising you behind bars for kidnapping and false imprisonment.

9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

>Obviously, no one has seen you draw.

10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
> Yeh, ha, that happens.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
>Glad to know you're not too disappointed.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
>And I don't know what your pronunciation's like, but I'll bet it's your problem.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

>*leaving* I may be gone some time. *Returning* Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
>And here I was, trying to be old and wise!
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
>That's just tacky.
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
>I think if you look closely, you can just make out my apathy. It's right in the middle of my annoyance.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
> Takes one to know one.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
>Full of calories is it then, your Karma? Been eating too much?
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
>Someone get the pitchfork.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
>Boss, Clark Kent here says “no”.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
>Better look out up above then, megalomaniac on the way!
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
>Prescribing your own drugs eh? Does the NHS pay for that as well?
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
>And I'll try being thicker if you'll try being meaner.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
> You didn't beep.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
>Ah, that explains a lot.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
>Sounds like a cleaner I once knew.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

>You should try working from the kid's playpen at home. Either that or the Apple store.