Sunday 28 April 2013

Book Review: The Myth of Martyrdom by Adam Lankford

Book Review: The Myth of Martyrdom by Adam Lankford
The Myth of Martyrdom: What really drives suicide bombers, rampage shooters and other self-destructive killers
by Adam Lankford
Inside cover excerpt:
“A startling look at the deepest, darkest secrets that terrorists pray you'll never know
For decades, experts from the most powerful governments and prestigious Universities around the world, have told us that suicide bombers are psychologically normal men and women driven by a single-minded purpose: self-sacrifice. As it turns out, this claim originated with the terrorist leaders themselves, who insisted that they would never recruit mentally unstable people to carry out suicide attacks. As these strikes have become both increasing common and increasingly deadly, no one has challenged this conventional wisdom. These are fearless ideological warriors, we're told, who have the same resolve and commitment to their beliefs as our own Navy SEALS, because they're willing to die for the sake of their cause.
In The Myth of Martyrdom, Adam Lankford argues that these so-called experts have it all wrong. The truth is that suicide terrorists are like most other suicidal people – longing to escape from unbearable pain, be it depression, anxiety, marital strife, or professional failure. Their “martyrdom” is essentially a cover for an underlying death wish. Drawing on an array of primary sources, including suicide notes, love letters, diary entries, and martyrdom videos, Lankford reveals the important parallels that exist between suicide bombers, airplane hijackers, cult members, and rampage shooters. The result is an astonishing account of rage and shame that will transform the way we think about terrorism forever. We can't hope to stop these deadly attacks, Lankford argues, until we understand what's really behind them. This timely and provocative book flips a decades-old argument on its head – and has huge implications for our future.”
The Author: Adam Lankford is a criminal justice professor at the University of Alabama in the US.
Well I have just finished reading this book and can say it was tremendously well-written and thought-provoking. The scope of the mistakes and myths that the author exposes are truly breathtaking and it is actually quite worrying that so many supposed experts have gotten it so wrong, for so long.
The book starts off by looking at cases of suicide terrorism in the world and the expert psychologists' rationalisations of the suicide terrorists' state of mind . The consensus view was that radicalisation gave them extreme views, but they were psychologically normal and stable, and just believed very strongly that what they were doing was the right thing. Lankford argues that this diagnosis only applies to conventional terrorists, and NOT suicide terrorists.
The conventional view makes the mistake of normalising suicide terrorists. Years of data and research has shown that psychologically normal people will generally do anything they can to stay alive. Interviews with regular (non-suicide) terrorists show their revulsion at the idea of suicide terrorism. A common comment was “that's not for me”. This flies in the face of terrorist rhetoric that says, “all of us are ready to die for the cause”. Maybe ultimately, but not in that way they're not. And if terrorists are lying about their intentions, what else are they deceiving us about?
It doesn't take a lot of analysis to come to the conclusion that a person can achieve a lot more for their cause if they avoid death and simply live to fight another day. There are very few cases when a suicide bombing couldn't have been carried out by just dropping off a bag containing a bomb in a crowded place, and detonating it on a timer, or remotely, allowing the terrorist to survive, make another bomb, rinse and repeat. The cases that involve the necessary “death of the actor” as it were (such as flying a plane into a building to demolish it) are the cases where terrorist leaders have taken advantage of suicidal people to get them to carry out their insane plans.
The argument is made that terrorist leaders can trust disturbed individuals to carry out bombings for them. They are not given any official duties or much training, just given a bomb and a target and promised many rewards in the “afterlife”. Suicide attackers may sympathise with the terrorists general cause, but often did not fit the terrorist profile, were they not suicidal and desperate for a way out. This is a blatant example of exploitation of vulnerable individuals by the cruel terrorist leaders and we should have seen through it,
A common “citizen on the street” reaction to the 9/11 attack in New York on the World Trade Center Twin Towers was “who would possibly do such a thing, they must be mad”. Lankford makes much of the argument that this is actually much closer to the truth than expert psychologists had diagnosed in saying suicide terrorists were psychologically normal.. This is why he makes such a acerbic attack on those who he believes got it wrong, in this book. I think he's very probably right.
Lankford criticises Professor Robert Pape strongly. Pape is a well-known proponent of the traditional view. He published a 2005 study of 462 suicide attackers and claimed to find no mental illness, depression, psychosis or previous suicide attempts amongst the participants. Lankford argues that the chances of this actually being true are infinitesimally small (1 in 19 billion), as any group of 462 people would certainly by the law of averages contain some depressed people. He says “either Pape has unintentionally discovered that suicide bombing is the most remarkable cure for mental illness...or there is something seriously wrong with his... approach.”
Lankford tells us that we need to look very closely at specific areas of a terrorist's life to find clues that reveal their mental disturbances. He goes on to carry out “psychological autopsies” of some famous cases such as Mohamed Atta, who was the ring leader of the 9/11 attacks and who piloted one of the planes into the World Trade Center. Lankford takes us through much of his life story and background showing how he was brought up and shunned by almost everyone he knew. The evidence that Atta was a severely dysfunctional, depressed and disturbed individual is extremely compelling. The story that he was just a puppet of Osama Bin Laden and just followed his instructions seems very flimsy – there are documented example of Atta disobeying Bin Laden's instructions. The timescale for 9/11 was very much on his terms rather than Bin Laden's.
Lankford successfully compares suicide terrorists to other suicide killers such as rampage shooters and school shooters. There are many psychological similarities between the people who committed these atrocities. They are largely disturbed and depressed individuals who were socially marginalized and struggled with love, finances or with their work or profession. His study is backed up with data and statistical analysis. If the traditional wisdom were correct, we would have expected to see much less commonality here. A powerful anecdotal example is also given, linking the mental states of George Sodini (a rampage-suicide shooter who killed three and wounded nine women in 2009) with Nidal Hasan (another suicide-shooter who killed 13 and wounded 31 soldiers in the same year). Their motivations are shown as actually being very similar whereas convention would have that Sodini was a madman and Hasan a terrorist. In fact they were both very disturbed, suicidal individuals.
Interestingly, the religious argument is not really brought up in this book. I was expecting Lankford to argue against Martyrdom by saying that Heaven doesn't exist. But instead he underscores the difference between sacrifice and suicide and shows how those who believe martyrdom is distinct from suicide, are deceiving themselves. In his analysis of Anders Behring Breivik, the Norweigan mass-killer who bombed a government building in Oslo, then went to Utoya island to kill 69 young people he considered to be “multi-culturalists”, Lankford shows that Breivik was in fact indirectly suicidal in that he was expecting “suicide by cop” i.e. to be gunned down by security forces. The distorted definition of martyrdom is shown by the fact that Breivik actually believed that he could kill himself to avoid capture or arrest, and this would still be martyrdom and not suicide. Such are the twists of logic that some go to, to make their deaths seem more meaningful.
The section on the identity and worth of true heroes was one of my favourites. Lankford shows us the difference between, for example, a suicide bomber blowing herself up in a cafe and a soldier diving on top of a live grenade thrown by enemy fighters. Terrorists would have us believe that these two scenarios are comparable as they hold martyrs up as heroes. But if we look at the amount of decision time, intention of dying, self-orchestration, and whether the action directly saves or harms others, we can see that these scenarios are very different. The bomber is a terrorist committing suicide. The soldier is a brave hero trying to save his squad-mates while still hoping to survive himself. This is one of the defining distinctions between killers and heroes. Both may have to kill, but the hero also tries to save people, and survive if possible. Lankford says: “True heroes walk among us. They face each challenge that comes their way and try to do the best they can. And then in fleeting moments of grace, they risk their lives to save people from a tragic fate. It may require the ultimate sacrifice. Or it may not. But live or die, it represents the highest possible caliber of human action. And it defines them forever.” Distorting the facts and trying to make suicide terrorists out to be heroic martyrs is a truly despicable act.
A wonderful part of the book describes with self-deprecating detail how even if the concept of Martyrdom is real, and even if the facts and studies contained within the pages were all false, the book still needed to be written and is still extremely useful in counterbalancing the terrorist narrative. So in conclusion we shouldn't play into the hands of terrorists and their “martyrdom” rhetoric. There are many forms of suicide, and killing others at the same time, irrespective of the cause, is just bringing others into your misery because you can't find a way out on your own. A strong take-home message from the book is how we should be on the lookout for those around us who we think may have mental health issues, and get them help.
I've seen another review of this book that claimed it was "undermined by polemic", however, when you grasp how silly the "traditional" opposing view really is (and it's hard not to with the strength of the arguments Lankford puts across), there was never really any other way this could go. Lankford often sounds angry at some of the so-called "experts", but if he's right, and I think he is, so he should be. Because dude, were they wrong.
The book is quite short, only 175 pages of narrative, but there are about another 80 pages of appendices, tables and references as well. But the book sticks to the point and remains clear and concise throughout. I think it is good value, contains important counter-terrorism and vigilance messages that need to be read by everyone, and I would thoroughly recommend this book.
 

Wednesday 24 April 2013

QED conference talks notes, part five

Brief comments and notes on QEDCON day 2 (Sun 14 Apr 2013)

Talks:

10) Social Media and the Law (Panel discussion with Helen Dale, Ian Rushton, Simon Singh and Geoff Whelan)

It was said that an alternative name for this should have been "how to tweet and not end up in jail"!

Brief Intro to participants

Helen Dale - Lawyer qualified in Eng/Aus currently working in Scotland

Ian Rushton - Prosecutor for the Crown Prosecution Service

Simon Singh - Science writer and physicist

Simon Singh first brought up his personal experience with being sued for libel because he published an article in a newspaper. In libel cases, the publisher or web host of your work being questioned may also be subject to restrictions and repercussions from the action. This is because they are also held partly responsible under the law. If you have a blog, it may have to be taken or moved to a different hosting service. Even pointing out objective truths can raise legal cases!

Ian Rushton described the process for prosecuting against libel/harassment in the criminal courts. There are 2 bars that need to be passed before this can be considered: evidential criteria (i.e. can it proved) and also public interest considerations (will it benefit the public to challenge the article/words etc.). The latter is more important in the context of social media. Two offenses that will definitely be reportable and convictable are revealing the identities of victims to certain crimes e.g. rapes; and making credible threats (i.e. threats containing details about plans to commit a crime).

Helen Dale described how Scottish law is actually more similar to European than English law. The CPS is replaced by the Prosecutor Fiscal. Scotland has stronger rules in place to protect freedom of speech and a higher bar as to what represents harassment for example. However, when this does occur, it is harder to defend against since the accused must prove their innocence (so burden of proof is reversed). In Scotland an "In Rixa" rule exists whereby comments made in the heat of an argument cannot be considered for claims of defamation. She highlighted the problems encountered in the "Old Firm" football rivalry where in Glasgow, Celtic vs. Rangers animosity has caused so much tension and trouble over many years. Violence and threats to people including sending bullets in the mail continue to this day. The law concerning "breach of the peace", previously a catch-all term used by the government to basically stop people doing what they didn't approve of, has been redefined.

The topic of free speech stacked against unwanted threats and harassment was broached. Only "grossly offensive" language is considered punishable by law. Merely experience "offensive" behaviour is not enough. But the line between what is offensive and what is grossly offensive is sometimes hard to define. An example of behaviour that is certainly grossly offensive is posting images of dead suicide victims. To be able to take action against most grossly offensive behaviour, we will need a "credible threat" including details of a planned crime; or at least a contextual backup for credibility, for example, there are precedents for this type of action and there is evidence that the person making the threat has the will and means to carry it out.

11) Activism and Good Thinking (Panel Discussion with Simon Singh, Richard Saunders and Michael Marshall)

Brief Intro to participants

Simon Singh - Science writer and physicist

Richard Saunders - Australian TV star, podcaster, and skeptic

Michael Marshall - PR guff exposer and co-founder/ co-host of Merseyside Skeptics and the podcast Skeptics with a K

Simon Singh began by mentioning how his Good Thinking organisation had made grants to fund skeptical activism, e.g Horsham Skeptics, South East Skeptics in the Pub and Kent skeptics to expand their movement. Edinburgh skeptics are using funding to appeal to deaf and hard of hearing people by arranging for signers at their events. Leicester Skeptics organised a campaign of complaints against chiropractic services who had made bold claims of the benefits of chiropractic (of course with very little evidence). They asked for the chiropractic governing body in the UK to better assess these claims for accuracy. Strangely enough, this campaign caused many of the claims to be brought down from websites within 12 minutes and was more effective than years of regulatory activities!

Simon Singh's Sense about Science activities were also brought up - acting against homeopathy peddlers who were claiming that their remedies could protect travellers against malaria if they went on a trip to Africa. Many of these dodgy providers were quite happy to send someone out there with only homeopathy instead of real malaria medicine - this represents a shocking failure in duty of care. He also mentioned his encounter with Psychic Sally when he actually went to one of her shows and built up the nerve to ask her the question - "why won't you agree to being tested?". Apparently she flipped on stage and had a real go at him. Afterwards, he stayed behind with some of her fans and talked to them about it, how it would be up to her to create the test she could complete successfully and this was not something that he was setting up himself for her to fail. It turned out that the fans were also concerned about her unwillingness to be tested, and agreed that she should do so. However Sally herself still refused! What a crowd-pleaser...

Richard Saunders was well known for his activism against the Power Balance bracelets (a bit like Shuzy bands). These products had previously failed to demonstrate their effectiveness in trials. Psychics are his real area of expertise. He mentioned an Australian AltMed Conference called Mind Body Spirit which he suggested could be renamed "Mind Body Wallet"! The need to engage against quackery was espoused, however it is always important to not remain in our echo chamber and sometimes listen to different opinions. We must not get too frustrated if we don't manage to convert people away from woo, at least we can learn what methods don't work in different circumstances.

Michael Marshall highlighted the need to "cause mischief" as a skeptic and do what AltMed and other quackery or woo want us to do the least. He mentioned the 10:23 campaign against homeopathy as a prime example of this. Internet activism was a very useful tool if we can't actually get out there and take part in traditional activism. A good tip was offered for those wanting to participate - look through your local papers, listen to the radio and watch local TV news for any dodgy claims or suspect organisations, and report them to your local Skeptics or Skeptics in the Pub group.
 

Tuesday 23 April 2013

Islamophobia: Is it really "a thing"? My thoughts

Here I give my opinions about the general term “Islamophobia” and how I do not like to use this word.

In genuine criticism of Islamic matters , as an atheist, I prefer to use the term “criticism of Islamism” as this is where any problem really lies: The power of Islam over legislation (i.e. Separation of church and state), and how this affects free expression, and harms women and minorities.

Let's begin by setting out some clear points. If you don't agree with these then chances are you won't think much of this post.

  • It must be possible to offer a genuine and legitimate critical, non-abusive viewpoint of any particular political ideology. Such criticisms will not necessarily be listened to or actioned, but equally those offering the criticisms should not be stigmatised or abused themselves
  • There is no “race” of Muslims. As it is possible for people from area in which Muslims are the dominant people, to be non-Muslims; just as it is possible for Muslims to be a minority in predominantly non-Muslim countries. Such groups will not necessarily share common racial characteristics.
  • Any criticism of Islamism is limited to criticism of Islamic Ideologies and intersection of social/political jurisdiction, and does not extend to people i.e. Muslims themselves.
  • As we cannot know what may or may not have influenced any individual Muslim's motivations to become such and what views they hold, we cannot generalise or label Muslims with broad strokes of intent or agency.
  • It is recognised that Muslims hold a wide variety of views, beliefs and opinions and we must listen to these viewpoints to gain appreciation of consensus
  • The existence of converts and ex-Muslims is evidence that people can both enter from another faith, leave the faith, and be of any race, class etc.
  • Criticism of religion or religious beliefs is a general topic not covered here and generally unrelated to this post

With these points in mind I hope we can avoid any talk about racism.

Sam Harris has recently written extensively on the whole subject of Islamophobia. He doesn't really think such a thing exists. I tend to agree with his position, however, I don't share his combative stance to the same degree, and I wouldn't have said some of the things he has said about nuclear confrontation and fascists.

So I think the answer is, that there is a problem with discrimination against Muslims in the west. I think this is what people correctly have an issue with. You can see this by the immediate fury in the aftermath of the recent Boston bombing, where shameful “public profiling” led to the harassment and abuse of individuals simply because they looked like what some idiots thought terrorists would look like. And discrimination against Arabs is simply racism. It's irrational. But I don't like the use of the term “Islamophobia” since it conflates genuine criticism of political Islamism with racism and irrational fears of religious beliefs.

I am going to add it to the list of words I don't use. But I accept its implications under other guises which I have already explained above.

Please see here for further details.
 
But this post is really about my problems with the installation of Sharia law and Sharia courts within the UK.

Here is a link to a petition opposing some of the specific powers which Sharia courts currently claim. It calls for enactment of the Arbitration and Mediation Equality bill.

 
Let's be clear: Sharia law in the UK is an example of political Islamism pushing at its moral and ethical bounds. In some areas, it may represent an overstepping of these bounds. Where two cultures come into conflict like this, we need to take both positions into account and reach a compromise.

Sharia courts tend to give out harsh and unjust punishments to vulnerable members of society who are already underprivileged, disenfranchised or vulnerable, such as women who may have been married against their will, or young children. From a western viewpoint, Sharia courts are clearly a case of the privileged meting out their punishments on those less fortunate then them, for “crimes” that are not recognised as such in the civil or criminal courts of the countries in which they exist.

This for me is a case of social justice being more important than pandering to cultural or religious sensitivities. Such things need to be open to challenge in this context.

But it is a valid position to take, and not really wrong, to argue against Sharia courts if you, like me, believe them to cause harm in a society that we all must share. I accept that the “other side” will fight for their beliefs as well. But I don't think we should just have to accept the fact that our society needs to change in such a way, where it is not clearly already broken, to accommodate non-secular political Islamism. Certainly not without a robust debate and some sort of vote or consensus. These Sharia courts have too often slipped in unnoticed and I think it's important to raise awareness of the harm they can cause.

Monday 22 April 2013

Women's rights in Afghanistan

Today I signed a petition aiming to support progress for women in Afghanistan. They suffer hellish levels of abuse on a daily basis including violence and rape, for which the chances of just punishment for the perpetrators is very low compared to the Western world. The petition calls for a fully funded and supported action plan for women's rights in the country. This includes funding for shelters and legal representation. Although things have undoubtedly improved in the last decade, with the prospect of international troop withdrawal next year, there is the risk the the Taliban will once again be able to impose more of their malevolent will on the county's poor citizens. This is a very important appeal. Please, you can help here http://www.nowomennopeace.org/index.php?option=com_rsform&formId=28#.UTr0n9FOp4F
But I would have a clear conflict of interest here, some might say. Most of the women I am helping here are Muslims. They are part of a religion that commits some terrible atrocities the world over. They are deluded in their thinking about the world around us and are invested in a regressive belief system that moves basic human rights, liberty and democracy back hundreds of years. Why should I help these people when often, they either do not want to be helped or refuse to help themselves? Western societies these days get accused of trying to impose their western values and western beliefs on a rightfully unwilling and unreceptive populace, who see our decadence as a colossal sin. Some might say this, and they wouldn't necessarily be wrong. We aren't likely to get anything back for this effort, so why help?
I'll tell you why. It's because social justice is more important than people's beliefs or modes of thinking. I am a liberal secular humanist first, then an atheist. My atheism does not define me, since a lack of something is never really a defining characteristic. I help because I can, and because it's the right thing to do. I do this with the underlying belief that there is something of value in Western society. Is it better? Probably, but that doesn't mean there isn't value in Islamic societies, or nothing we can learn from them. But to believe that Western society is no better is to give in to the defeatist sentiment that all our efforts over the past couple of hundred years with the privilege we have been given, have been for nought. I find this difficult to accept, which relativists will find hard to swallow. But treating women in a better way cannot really be seen in a negative light, surely?
Some atheists would say that increasing secularism is the best way to ensure that societies become more progressive and improve women's rights. Hence they espouse the promotion of atheism. But I think there is a two-way causation effect at play. For me, increasing social justice and improving women's rights within their existing social and cultural structures will increase secularism, kicking off a desirable positive feedback process. Afghan women have a vested interest in more moderate and less radical forms of Islamism, and this goes hand-in-hand with their increased rights. And while still tough, it is patently easier to adopt the latter approach, as wholesale changes of deep-seated beliefs and cultures will take a long time.
We can look at this as a top-down against bottom-up approach. The top-down way is directly encouraging western values. This needs to be done very carefully, if at all, due to the resistance we can expect. The bottom-up example is funding, supporting and promoting women's rights. This approach to "work from within" has a couple of key advantages. It enables the progress that is made to be attributable to the people it will be benefiting: it is their gain for their work. This avoids the direct danger of "value imposition" by the west, and the people working from within can do so at their own pace. This is why the project I linked to above is exactly such a good way of helping making Afghanistan a better place. Men have had their chance with all the power, and frankly squandered it. I trust women, and their superior empathy, to help their country in the best ways possible to alleviate suffering in the short term, and work towards the long-term goal of a future that creates less suffering in the first place: an increasingly secular future.

Sunday 21 April 2013

Here I watch The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey


These aren't actually posted as tweets yet.

Well I am about to watch the first The Hobbit film (an Unexpected Journey) on DVD right now. So I'll do a few live tweets! Actually, at least one a minute.

These Tweets are not meant to be taken too seriously! There is some sexual innuendo. As a fan I hope I'm allowed to parody it a bit but love it really!

The number is the minute into the film that I am watching.

1 Old Bilbo is so melancholy rummaging through his chest of keepsakes
 
2 Thror is mightiest of the Dwarf Lords in the city of Erebor. But does he have the mightiest beard? I think Gimli would have something to say on that!
 
3 Erebor truly spectacular. Gold and gems and Dwarfs can't be separated! Heck that is one hell of an anvil!
 
4 Thror becomes a bit of a greedy power-hungy control freak with that Arkenstone in tow! Elves bow down before him! Yes sickness is bad...
 
5 Thorin Oakenshield clearly has a preternatural ability to sense dragons! Things are getting toasty!
 
6 Smaug the dragon has such a bad case of flammable halitosis
7 Are the elves like Gandalf in arriving exactly when they intend? Seems a bit late to me! Thrandruil clearly likes to march his army around for no apparent reason. Too mean to help.
 
8 Ahh, so that's why the stereotypical dwarf holds grudges so long and hates elves!
 
9 Do I detect a bit of uncomfortable tension between Old Bilbo and Frodo here?
 
10 Old Bilbo clearly paranoid about the spoon-thieving habits of the Sackville-Bagginses!
 
11 Old Bilbo such a card. “I am not unsociable” then has Frodo hang a sign saying “no admittance” to his hobbit hole.
 
11 Can't wait to see Gandalf let off his whizzpoppers ;-D
 
12 Smoke rings. And Old Bilbo has miraculously morphed into (Young) Bilbo!
 
12 Bilbo not too impressed by Gandalf's “Nasty, uncomfortable things!” Ahem, I mean, offer of adventures
 
13 Bilbo only remembers Gandalf's whizzpoppers. They must be memorable!
 
14 No adventures for Bilbo. No siree! And Good Morning!
 
15 Blatant graffiti and vandalism by none other than Gandalf! Community service beckons!
16 Dwalin is the first unwanted Dwarven guest to arrive at chez Bilbo
17 Bilbo nonplussed and unimpressed by all the attention. Unsociable hobbit that he is!

18 Balin and Dwalin helping themselves in Bilbo's pantry. They are impromptu food safety inspectors now

19 Kili and Fili followed by a bunch more dwarves at Chateau Bilbo. And Gandalf. There's far too many dwarves in his dining room!
20 Why are there no women in this film? Even no women dwarfs?! That would work how exactly? Tolkien could be such a misogynist. 13 males and NO females. Jackson an enabler. BUT remember Eowyn in LOTR!
20 Bilbo's food-saving protestations in vain. And Gandalf clearly too tall for Bag End.

21 Fat old Bombur such a glutton and a slob even for a dwarf!
22 Dwarves' drinking games. Messiness and much belching ensue. Bilbo's protests continue

23 Spectacular juggling games and song about chucking Bilbo's crockery and pottery around! These dwarves should start their own circus
24 Thorin fashionably late. Enquires as to Bilbo's conker bashing skills. Like you do.

25 Thorin: This quest is ours and ours alone. Bilbo, as always, slow on the uptake!
26 Portents for the journey to Lonely Mountain and the dragon!
27 Gandalf getting forgetful in old age. Can't recall number of dragons he's killed
28 The key to the secret door is revealed! Gandalf suggests taking the hidden back passage LOL
29 Bilbo clearly not getting it. You're the burglar, dude! Settled by Gandalf's “cheap conjuring tricks”
30 Dwarves not too impressed by Bilbo's potential as a stealthy ninja. But they hand him the contract!
31 Poor Bilbo. Middle-Earth contract lawyers clearly as blunt and mean as those here in real world. Bofur not helping

32 Bilbo trying to rationalise his inactivity. “I am a Baggins of Bag-End” Lol. Gotta love Bullroarer Took...
33 Game of golf or “A good walk spoilt” as I call it, is invented by Took decapitating Goblins. We need to bring golf back to its roots.

34 Balin missed out candle-stick makers! A shocking omission. Thorin keeping it real and upping the group's cred.
35 Amazed by size difference amongst the dwarves. Thorin clearly way taller (and younger) than most of the others!
36 That song. My version with a take on dwarven culinary expertise: “The hobbits were snoring, in the night/ The dwarves were moaning, about their height/ The meal was bread, as heavy as lead/ The latrine with torches, blazed with light”
36 “The elves were boring, in that fight/ The dwarves were scoring, as well they might/The orcs were dead, we spiked their heads/ We piled their bodies, and burned them in the night”

37 Lazy Bilbo needs an alarm call. Bag End now empty

38 Yes Bilbo . SIGN THE CONTRACT!

39 I've ran with paperwork trailing like that and it never stays together for long

40 Bilbo part of the band. Gets a pony. Dwarves and their wagers, well they do love gold!

41 Bilbo forgot his handkerchief. He like me loves his creature comforts!

42 Noisy snoring dwarves are awful travelling companions

43 Kili and Fili such kidders. Playing “Orcward” tricks on poor Bilbo. Thorin puts them in their place

43 Ooh, flashback! Thorin tries to retake Moria against the orcs. Much violence

44 Azog The Defiler the giant Gundabad Orc. Looks a bit angry. Beheads king. Keeps his beard though. Kudos

45 That was Handy! Thorin disarms Azog in a quite literal sense!

46 Dwarves win the day but get survivor's guilt “shortly” afterwards

47 Thorin somewhat premature in thinking Azog 'armless enough.. Azog: “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

48 Dwarf mistakenly thinks Gandalf can affect the weather. D'oh! Not until he kills the Balrog and turns into his white alter-ego! Whoops, spoilers!

49 LOL Bilbo is appreciative of Gandalf all right “Is Radagast a great wizard, or is he more like you?”

50 Aww...Radagast finds dead forest animals. Unbelievably cute hedgehog Sebastian is injured. Brings a tear to my eye.

50 Radagast such a giver. I admire his quest for social justice in the forest ;-) He is basically a lawful good druid.

51 The penny drops. Witchcraft. And creepy crawlies. No! Animals can't die...

52 Yay! Sebastian is back with us thanks to magic blue crystal thingy!

52 Awesome! The rabbit sled is up and running! Off to the fortress!

53 Little spat btwn Gandalf and Thorin. Thorin doesn't want elves' help.

54 Problems in the group. Gandalf's had enough of dwarves for one day. I haven't quite yet

55 Two ponies missing. Kili and Fili's fault. Bilbo left holding 2 dishes of steaming stew.

56 They discover the trolls' camp. Bilbo still holding the stew.

57 Mountain trolls have prospect of horse for dinner. Not much has changed compared to modern Britain then...

57 Eurgh...”a floater might improve the flavour”

58 Tom such a douche, and drama queen for a troll. William and Bert are great big oafs

59 Bilbo rightly unimpressed by trollish personal hygiene. LOL “a burglar hobbit”

60 Trolls have conspicuous London accents. That's not much of a stereotype then.

60 Dwarves rush in to attack. Go for the achilles!

61 David and Goliath moment there. Bilbo switched-on and releases ponies but then gets caught.

62 Trolls start cooking Dwarves. Amusing when they try to be more sophisticated! “Sauted with a sprinkling of sage” indeed

63 “The secret to cooking dwarves is to skin them first!” A blatant time wasting exercise from Bilbo. He's playing for the final whistle. Book him now!

64 The dwarves are all “riddled with parasites”. These trolls aren't too bright are they?!

64 Gandalf to the rescue splitting the rock with his great big staff. The trolls are all turned to stone ;-)

65 Thorin has to admit Bilbo is awesome. We learn trolls came from Ettinmoor, rare in these parts.

66 Trolls' cave is discovered. Smelly but Treasures are found!

67 The swords make their first appearance. Phallic imagery abounds.

68 Gandalf finds the short sword Sting, gives to Bilbo as it's about his size. He has a bigger weapon though...and is very prophetic about it

69 Radagast turns up but is very forgetful. Must be all those dodgy druid potions

70 Dol Guldur...schmol Guldur. The source of the evil is revealed

71 Flashback – Radagast explores Dol Guldur, finds evil spirits and the necromancer. Runs away. He knows his priorities

72 Radagast literally blowing smoke out of his ears. The morgul blade is evidence of badness.

73 Wargs attack. Orcs must be close behind. Radagast is so awesome he offers to draw them away

74 Rabbit sled faster than wargs. Running and rocks. Much like Two Towers

75 Thorin such a jerk right now. More wary of elves than the orcs actually after him.

76 Band are discovered by orcs. They draw closer...

77 At least Thorin has a huge sword.

77 Gandalf ”Run, you fools” from Fellowship and now “This way you fools” upon finding secret entrance to Rivendell. Well if he surrounds himself with dwarves and hobbits...

78 Kili so debonair, but a decent archer at least

78 Elves cavalry turn up to belatedly save the day. They have no sense of timing

79 Band find Rivendell. Gandalf: “The last homely house east of the sea.” Ooh Er missus...

80 Rivendell absolutely gorgeous. Thorin realises he must accept elves' help

81 Lindir turns up. Lord Elrond coming back from hunting

82 Elves running rings around the dwarves quite literally...Elrond figures gang Gandalf led the orcs to his door. He's smart like that

83 Elrond offers not insult but food. Even dwarves have to think about that!

84 Elves so refined. And they have women. Thorin learns his giant sword is called Orcrist the goblin cleaver. Nice.

84 Gandalf's sword: Glamdring the foehammer. More of a normal phallic jobby

85 Thorin still being dumb. Won't show his map to Elrond. He's not helping

86 Elrond being mysterious. But decodes map's moon runes. Curious how the map was written at exact same time of year...

87 Map decoded but cryptic in typical fantasy fashion. Tolkien likes to leave us in suspense

88 Elrond: Clear intrusion into Gandalf's jurisdiction. How dare he? Does he know nothing of boundaries?! The outrage.

89 Azog such a bully. Kills own orcs just to prove what a badass he is.

89 Brings new meaning to the term “thrown to the wolves”

90 Lol, fat old Bombur falls victim to “the straw that broke the camel's back” as it were

90 Gandalf gives some exposition. Galadriel makes an appearance. Yay!

91 Phoney platitudes from Gandalf but swallowed by Galadriel. Hey, Saruman's here too.

92 Saruman thinks there is no enemy. Well, he later changes his mind then...

93 Gandalf such a seer. He has more foresight in little finger than the rest of the leaders!

93 Saruman - outrageous dismissal of Radagast as a “foolish fellow” who eats too many mushrooms. Says the man with Sauron's Palantir. What balls. Oops, mixing my stories!.

94 The evil morgul blade is revealed to Saruman et al. It belonged to the WitchKing of Angmar. Gotta love Tolkien's character names.

95 So the fact that the WitchKing's blade has turned up is raising suspicions that he might be back too. Saruman in denial

96 Gang Gandalf 1 Saruman 0. The group heads off despite the Elves' and Saruman's protests. Nice little sleight of hand that

97 Galadriel so even-handed and fair. Even if she always knows more than she lets on.

98 Gandalf plans heading off after Thorin. Hobbits give Gandalf courage. Whoah, tenderness between him and Galadriel

99 Pretty advertisements brought to you by the New Zealand board of Tourism. Fake accent: “Come here and see our dwarves...sorry our scenery”

100 Darker now, mountaineering. Then the granite behemoths show up and start tearing chunks out of each other. Stoned giants they are. Sorry stone giants

101 Stone Giants so inconsiderate and violent, still duking it out.

102 Ding-ding. Round three. Giants still swinging, hobbit & dwarves holding on to mountain ledge for dear life! Heads up!

103 Dwarves safe. But Thorin asks Bilbo how's it hanging, dude? Then rescues him. But Bilbo left feeling out of place. Aww...

104 The gang find a cave to sleep in. Thorin still determined to not do what Gandalf says. Orcs pick up their trail

105 Bilbo fed up of this adventure and tries to head back home. He doesn't like being left hanging

106 Bilbo so uncouth when stopped by Bofur. Puts his foot in it ref. Dwarven self-identity issues.

107 Bilbo realises helping dwarves re-claim their homeland is more important than his own comfort

107 Oh no! Sting is shining = goblins nearby! Fake cave floor gives way and everyone plummets down a death slide. Hey Butlins there's an idea!

107 Goblins grab them at the foot of the slide

108 Goblins not very fastidious. Eyesight problems. Leave Bilbo behind. Need Specsavers in Middle Earth.

109 Bilbo battles lone goblin who tries to ride him hard

110 Dwarves are taken to Goblin King (great goblin). He wants to search “every crack, every crevice”. Yuck. He should work with Heathrow security checks.

111 Great Goblin loving mocking Thorin for his lack of a mountainous peak. But this isn't a dick measuring contest. No siree

111 Great Goblin sucking up to Azog now. He has serious chin problems. Jowls on him! Might want to get Saruman to take a look at that

112 Little goblin scribe and messenger: I'd suggest he was being exploited but he seems to enjoy his work. Union chiefs, sit back down

112 Bilbo and goblin laid out exhausted on the ground after their shared experience. But no sex at all.

112 GOLLUM! He finds the goblin

113 Bilbo reclaims sting and finds the One Ring. Like you do.

114 Gollum kills the goblin and sneaks up on Bilbo. He's such a troll, without being an actual troll

115 Gollum fantasising about Bilbo's meaty mouthful but then Bilbo sticks out his shiny blade

116 Gollum asking if Bilbo is soft and juicy. Such outrageous personal questions can really spoil those “precious” moments

116 Gollum's dual personality to the fore. He wants to play a game! He's so hot for Bilbo

116 Gollum riddle 1:“What has roots as nobody sees? Is taller than trees? Up, up, up it goes, and yet, never grows?” Answer: mountain.

117 Gollum will show Bilbo the way out if Bilbo wins the riddle game but eats him if he loses. No pressure, Bilbo. Sexual tension clearly builds.

118 Bilbo riddle 1: “Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still” Answer: Teeth

119 Gollum Riddle 2: “Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters.” Answer: wind

119 Bilbo riddle 2 “A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid” Answer: egg

120 Don't teach Gollum to suck eggs. His Grandmother already did that.

120 Gollum riddle 3: “All things it devours, birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal”. Answer: time

122 Bilbo riddle 3: “What have I got in my pocket?” Gollum: That's no fair. Me: Is that a huge sword in your pocket or are you just pleased to see Gollum?

123 Gollum gets 3 guesses but fails. He lost. Foreplay with Bilbo such a let-down.

124 Poor Gollum inconsolable now he's lost the One Ring

125 Penny drops. Gollum knows Bilbo has his ring. He wants to exchange the ring in a ceremony not involving marriage. Can't be done

125 Gollum now after Bilbo in a literal sense

125 Great goblin rejoicing in torturing dwarves until he sees Orcrist. Then turns into a gibbering wreck and attacks dwarves

126 Gandalf shows up with more cheap tricks. Good effects though. Much fighting ensues.

126 Great goblin rubbish in combat, gets knocked over by a dwarf

127 Bilbo still resisting Gollum's advances. Puts on the Ring in that unique magic way only hobbits can

128 Bilbo now invisible. Dwarves vs. goblins combat continues

129 Cool portal-esque physics experiment set up by Thorin. Side effect: dead goblins. If around today he would so work at the Large Hadron Collider

129 Dwarves still winning the environmental battle. Need them in the UK Green lobby

130 Big rolling rock blatant rip-off from Temple of Doom. (What isn't?) Goblins go squish

131 Great Goblin rears his (very) ugly head again. But like before he's all talk. Easily killed but dwarves & Gandalf fall further down into the mountain interior

132 Gandalf, dwarves and Bilbo now ALL running away. Oftentimes it's a good tactic

133 Pity stays Bilbo's hand. He just can't bring himself to kill Gollum

134 Everyone escapes from the mountain. Goblins/Gollum not best pleased

135 Thorin so clever to goad Bilbo into showing himself. Wait, that's not how this went down.

136 Bilbo's big exposition. He has a home but wants to help dwarves find theirs. Aww...

137 Tenderness broken by appearance of Azog again. What an ('armless) bully he is

138 The gang climb into the precariously perched trees at the edge of a cliff to avoid Azog and his orc and warg cronies

139 Canny old Gandalf sends his message by express moth mail service. Thorin still in denial about Azog

140 Wargs bring down the trees in a blatant act of deforestation. The tree-hugging dwarves are much more environmentally responsible as we saw earlier! (129)

141 Gandalf makes some impromptu pine-cone incendiary hand grenades

142 The last tree they are clinging to right on the edge of cliff nearly topples over

143 Thorin such a brave hero. Engages Azog in combat mano-a-mano. No, that doesn't sound quite right. Dwarfo-a-Orco. Right. Shutting up now.

144 Thorin getting owned by Azog. White warg tosses him off onto a rock.(?!)

145 Bilbo just as effective as Alduin from Skyrim (but less of a baddie) in stopping an unwanted execution. He leaps to save Thorin knocking over orc swordsman

145 Bilbo and dwarves attack Azog and orc cronies. Bilbo pretty handy in a pinch. Azog strong but only half as handy.

146 Eagles come and save the day! Right in the nick of time! Catch dwarves falling from the tree much to Gandalf's (and our) delight

146 Eagles carting off wargs by the trainload. Long trek back for orcs now.

147 Unconscious Thorin, Bilbo. Gandalf and rest of dwarves now all rescued by those helpful eagles. That wasn't convenient AT ALL

147 Azog left looking like a total mug

148 Eagles soaring majestically with the gang in tow, as it were. More stunning NZ scenery

149 They are dropped off on a big outcrop. Gandalf tries to save Thorin and heals him with magic

150 Thorin not with it. Accusing Bilbo of being a burden. He must have concussion

150 Thorin admits he was wrong and gives Bilbo a big hug. Bilbo still pining for Gollum though.

151 Erebor the Lonely Mountain is now in sight. The dwarves can see home

151 Oin so needs to brush up on his ornithology. But birds returning back to Erebor?

152 We see the dragon's treasure hoard in Erebor. The dragon reveals itself from under massive pile of coins. What a rich git. He is considerably richer than you. Opens a big lizard eye. A creepy and foreboding end to the film! Thanks for sticking with me!!