Here I watch The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

These aren't actually posted as tweets yet.

Well I am about to watch the first The Hobbit film (an Unexpected Journey) on DVD right now. So I'll do a few live tweets! Actually, at least one a minute.

These Tweets are not meant to be taken too seriously! There is some sexual innuendo. As a fan I hope I'm allowed to parody it a bit but love it really!

The number is the minute into the film that I am watching.

1 Old Bilbo is so melancholy rummaging through his chest of keepsakes

 

2 Thror is mightiest of the Dwarf Lords in the city of Erebor. But does he have the mightiest beard? I think Gimli would have something to say on that!

 

3 Erebor truly spectacular. Gold and gems and Dwarfs can't be separated! Heck that is one hell of an anvil!

 

4 Thror becomes a bit of a greedy power-hungy control freak with that Arkenstone in tow! Elves bow down before him! Yes sickness is bad...

 

5 Thorin Oakenshield clearly has a preternatural ability to sense dragons! Things are getting toasty!

 

6 Smaug the dragon has such a bad case of flammable halitosis

7 Are the elves like Gandalf in arriving exactly when they intend? Seems a bit late to me! Thrandruil clearly likes to march his army around for no apparent reason. Too mean to help.

 

8 Ahh, so that's why the stereotypical dwarf holds grudges so long and hates elves!

 

9 Do I detect a bit of uncomfortable tension between Old Bilbo and Frodo here?

 

10 Old Bilbo clearly paranoid about the spoon-thieving habits of the Sackville-Bagginses!

 

11 Old Bilbo such a card. “I am not unsociable” then has Frodo hang a sign saying “no admittance” to his hobbit hole.

 

11 Can't wait to see Gandalf let off his whizzpoppers ;-D

 

12 Smoke rings. And Old Bilbo has miraculously morphed into (Young) Bilbo!

 

12 Bilbo not too impressed by Gandalf's “Nasty, uncomfortable things!” Ahem, I mean, offer of adventures

 

13 Bilbo only remembers Gandalf's whizzpoppers. They must be memorable!

 

14 No adventures for Bilbo. No siree! And Good Morning!

 

15 Blatant graffiti and vandalism by none other than Gandalf! Community service beckons!

16 Dwalin is the first unwanted Dwarven guest to arrive at chez Bilbo

17 Bilbo nonplussed and unimpressed by all the attention. Unsociable hobbit that he is!

18 Balin and Dwalin helping themselves in Bilbo's pantry. They are impromptu food safety inspectors now

19 Kili and Fili followed by a bunch more dwarves at Chateau Bilbo. And Gandalf. There's far too many dwarves in his dining room!

20 Why are there no women in this film? Even no women dwarfs?! That would work how exactly? Tolkien could be such a misogynist. 13 males and NO females. Jackson an enabler. BUT remember Eowyn in LOTR!

20 Bilbo's food-saving protestations in vain. And Gandalf clearly too tall for Bag End.

21 Fat old Bombur such a glutton and a slob even for a dwarf!

22 Dwarves' drinking games. Messiness and much belching ensue. Bilbo's protests continue

23 Spectacular juggling games and song about chucking Bilbo's crockery and pottery around! These dwarves should start their own circus

24 Thorin fashionably late. Enquires as to Bilbo's conker bashing skills. Like you do.

25 Thorin: This quest is ours and ours alone. Bilbo, as always, slow on the uptake!

26 Portents for the journey to Lonely Mountain and the dragon!

27 Gandalf getting forgetful in old age. Can't recall number of dragons he's killed

28 The key to the secret door is revealed! Gandalf suggests taking the hidden back passage LOL

29 Bilbo clearly not getting it. You're the burglar, dude! Settled by Gandalf's “cheap conjuring tricks”

30 Dwarves not too impressed by Bilbo's potential as a stealthy ninja. But they hand him the contract!

31 Poor Bilbo. Middle-Earth contract lawyers clearly as blunt and mean as those here in real world. Bofur not helping

32 Bilbo trying to rationalise his inactivity. “I am a Baggins of Bag-End” Lol. Gotta love Bullroarer Took...

33 Game of golf or “A good walk spoilt” as I call it, is invented by Took decapitating Goblins. We need to bring golf back to its roots.

34 Balin missed out candle-stick makers! A shocking omission. Thorin keeping it real and upping the group's cred.

35 Amazed by size difference amongst the dwarves. Thorin clearly way taller (and younger) than most of the others!

36 That song. My version with a take on dwarven culinary expertise: “The hobbits were snoring, in the night/ The dwarves were moaning, about their height/ The meal was bread, as heavy as lead/ The latrine with torches, blazed with light”

36 “The elves were boring, in that fight/ The dwarves were scoring, as well they might/The orcs were dead, we spiked their heads/ We piled their bodies, and burned them in the night”

37 Lazy Bilbo needs an alarm call. Bag End now empty

38 Yes Bilbo . SIGN THE CONTRACT!

39 I've ran with paperwork trailing like that and it never stays together for long

40 Bilbo part of the band. Gets a pony. Dwarves and their wagers, well they do love gold!

41 Bilbo forgot his handkerchief. He like me loves his creature comforts!

42 Noisy snoring dwarves are awful travelling companions

43 Kili and Fili such kidders. Playing “Orcward” tricks on poor Bilbo. Thorin puts them in their place

43 Ooh, flashback! Thorin tries to retake Moria against the orcs. Much violence

44 Azog The Defiler the giant Gundabad Orc. Looks a bit angry. Beheads king. Keeps his beard though. Kudos

45 That was Handy! Thorin disarms Azog in a quite literal sense!

46 Dwarves win the day but get survivor's guilt “shortly” afterwards

47 Thorin somewhat premature in thinking Azog 'armless enough.. Azog: “Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

48 Dwarf mistakenly thinks Gandalf can affect the weather. D'oh! Not until he kills the Balrog and turns into his white alter-ego! Whoops, spoilers!

49 LOL Bilbo is appreciative of Gandalf all right “Is Radagast a great wizard, or is he more like you?”

50 Aww...Radagast finds dead forest animals. Unbelievably cute hedgehog Sebastian is injured. Brings a tear to my eye.

50 Radagast such a giver. I admire his quest for social justice in the forest ;-) He is basically a lawful good druid.

51 The penny drops. Witchcraft. And creepy crawlies. No! Animals can't die...

52 Yay! Sebastian is back with us thanks to magic blue crystal thingy!

52 Awesome! The rabbit sled is up and running! Off to the fortress!

53 Little spat btwn Gandalf and Thorin. Thorin doesn't want elves' help.

54 Problems in the group. Gandalf's had enough of dwarves for one day. I haven't quite yet

55 Two ponies missing. Kili and Fili's fault. Bilbo left holding 2 dishes of steaming stew.

56 They discover the trolls' camp. Bilbo still holding the stew.

57 Mountain trolls have prospect of horse for dinner. Not much has changed compared to modern Britain then...

57 Eurgh...”a floater might improve the flavour”

58 Tom such a douche, and drama queen for a troll. William and Bert are great big oafs

59 Bilbo rightly unimpressed by trollish personal hygiene. LOL “a burglar hobbit”

60 Trolls have conspicuous London accents. That's not much of a stereotype then.

60 Dwarves rush in to attack. Go for the achilles!

61 David and Goliath moment there. Bilbo switched-on and releases ponies but then gets caught.

62 Trolls start cooking Dwarves. Amusing when they try to be more sophisticated! “Sauted with a sprinkling of sage” indeed

63 “The secret to cooking dwarves is to skin them first!” A blatant time wasting exercise from Bilbo. He's playing for the final whistle. Book him now!

64 The dwarves are all “riddled with parasites”. These trolls aren't too bright are they?!

64 Gandalf to the rescue splitting the rock with his great big staff. The trolls are all turned to stone ;-)

65 Thorin has to admit Bilbo is awesome. We learn trolls came from Ettinmoor, rare in these parts.

66 Trolls' cave is discovered. Smelly but Treasures are found!

67 The swords make their first appearance. Phallic imagery abounds.

68 Gandalf finds the short sword Sting, gives to Bilbo as it's about his size. He has a bigger weapon though...and is very prophetic about it

69 Radagast turns up but is very forgetful. Must be all those dodgy druid potions

70 Dol Guldur...schmol Guldur. The source of the evil is revealed

71 Flashback – Radagast explores Dol Guldur, finds evil spirits and the necromancer. Runs away. He knows his priorities

72 Radagast literally blowing smoke out of his ears. The morgul blade is evidence of badness.

73 Wargs attack. Orcs must be close behind. Radagast is so awesome he offers to draw them away

74 Rabbit sled faster than wargs. Running and rocks. Much like Two Towers

75 Thorin such a jerk right now. More wary of elves than the orcs actually after him.

76 Band are discovered by orcs. They draw closer...

77 At least Thorin has a huge sword.

77 Gandalf ”Run, you fools” from Fellowship and now “This way you fools” upon finding secret entrance to Rivendell. Well if he surrounds himself with dwarves and hobbits...

78 Kili so debonair, but a decent archer at least

78 Elves cavalry turn up to belatedly save the day. They have no sense of timing

79 Band find Rivendell. Gandalf: “The last homely house east of the sea.” Ooh Er missus...

80 Rivendell absolutely gorgeous. Thorin realises he must accept elves' help

81 Lindir turns up. Lord Elrond coming back from hunting

82 Elves running rings around the dwarves quite literally...Elrond figures gang Gandalf led the orcs to his door. He's smart like that

83 Elrond offers not insult but food. Even dwarves have to think about that!

84 Elves so refined. And they have women. Thorin learns his giant sword is called Orcrist the goblin cleaver. Nice.

84 Gandalf's sword: Glamdring the foehammer. More of a normal phallic jobby

85 Thorin still being dumb. Won't show his map to Elrond. He's not helping

86 Elrond being mysterious. But decodes map's moon runes. Curious how the map was written at exact same time of year...

87 Map decoded but cryptic in typical fantasy fashion. Tolkien likes to leave us in suspense

88 Elrond: Clear intrusion into Gandalf's jurisdiction. How dare he? Does he know nothing of boundaries?! The outrage.

89 Azog such a bully. Kills own orcs just to prove what a badass he is.

89 Brings new meaning to the term “thrown to the wolves”

90 Lol, fat old Bombur falls victim to “the straw that broke the camel's back” as it were

90 Gandalf gives some exposition. Galadriel makes an appearance. Yay!

91 Phoney platitudes from Gandalf but swallowed by Galadriel. Hey, Saruman's here too.

92 Saruman thinks there is no enemy. Well, he later changes his mind then...

93 Gandalf such a seer. He has more foresight in little finger than the rest of the leaders!

93 Saruman - outrageous dismissal of Radagast as a “foolish fellow” who eats too many mushrooms. Says the man with Sauron's Palantir. What balls. Oops, mixing my stories!.

94 The evil morgul blade is revealed to Saruman et al. It belonged to the WitchKing of Angmar. Gotta love Tolkien's character names.

95 So the fact that the WitchKing's blade has turned up is raising suspicions that he might be back too. Saruman in denial

96 Gang Gandalf 1 Saruman 0. The group heads off despite the Elves' and Saruman's protests. Nice little sleight of hand that

97 Galadriel so even-handed and fair. Even if she always knows more than she lets on.

98 Gandalf plans heading off after Thorin. Hobbits give Gandalf courage. Whoah, tenderness between him and Galadriel

99 Pretty advertisements brought to you by the New Zealand board of Tourism. Fake accent: “Come here and see our dwarves...sorry our scenery”

100 Darker now, mountaineering. Then the granite behemoths show up and start tearing chunks out of each other. Stoned giants they are. Sorry stone giants

101 Stone Giants so inconsiderate and violent, still duking it out.

102 Ding-ding. Round three. Giants still swinging, hobbit & dwarves holding on to mountain ledge for dear life! Heads up!

103 Dwarves safe. But Thorin asks Bilbo how's it hanging, dude? Then rescues him. But Bilbo left feeling out of place. Aww...

104 The gang find a cave to sleep in. Thorin still determined to not do what Gandalf says. Orcs pick up their trail

105 Bilbo fed up of this adventure and tries to head back home. He doesn't like being left hanging

106 Bilbo so uncouth when stopped by Bofur. Puts his foot in it ref. Dwarven self-identity issues.

107 Bilbo realises helping dwarves re-claim their homeland is more important than his own comfort

107 Oh no! Sting is shining = goblins nearby! Fake cave floor gives way and everyone plummets down a death slide. Hey Butlins there's an idea!

107 Goblins grab them at the foot of the slide

108 Goblins not very fastidious. Eyesight problems. Leave Bilbo behind. Need Specsavers in Middle Earth.

109 Bilbo battles lone goblin who tries to ride him hard

110 Dwarves are taken to Goblin King (great goblin). He wants to search “every crack, every crevice”. Yuck. He should work with Heathrow security checks.

111 Great Goblin loving mocking Thorin for his lack of a mountainous peak. But this isn't a dick measuring contest. No siree

111 Great Goblin sucking up to Azog now. He has serious chin problems. Jowls on him! Might want to get Saruman to take a look at that

112 Little goblin scribe and messenger: I'd suggest he was being exploited but he seems to enjoy his work. Union chiefs, sit back down

112 Bilbo and goblin laid out exhausted on the ground after their shared experience. But no sex at all.

112 GOLLUM! He finds the goblin

113 Bilbo reclaims sting and finds the One Ring. Like you do.

114 Gollum kills the goblin and sneaks up on Bilbo. He's such a troll, without being an actual troll

115 Gollum fantasising about Bilbo's meaty mouthful but then Bilbo sticks out his shiny blade

116 Gollum asking if Bilbo is soft and juicy. Such outrageous personal questions can really spoil those “precious” moments

116 Gollum's dual personality to the fore. He wants to play a game! He's so hot for Bilbo

116 Gollum riddle 1:“What has roots as nobody sees? Is taller than trees? Up, up, up it goes, and yet, never grows?” Answer: mountain.

117 Gollum will show Bilbo the way out if Bilbo wins the riddle game but eats him if he loses. No pressure, Bilbo. Sexual tension clearly builds.

118 Bilbo riddle 1: “Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still” Answer: Teeth

119 Gollum Riddle 2: “Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters.” Answer: wind

119 Bilbo riddle 2 “A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid” Answer: egg

120 Don't teach Gollum to suck eggs. His Grandmother already did that.

120 Gollum riddle 3: “All things it devours, birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal”. Answer: time

122 Bilbo riddle 3: “What have I got in my pocket?” Gollum: That's no fair. Me: Is that a huge sword in your pocket or are you just pleased to see Gollum?

123 Gollum gets 3 guesses but fails. He lost. Foreplay with Bilbo such a let-down.

124 Poor Gollum inconsolable now he's lost the One Ring

125 Penny drops. Gollum knows Bilbo has his ring. He wants to exchange the ring in a ceremony not involving marriage. Can't be done

125 Gollum now after Bilbo in a literal sense

125 Great goblin rejoicing in torturing dwarves until he sees Orcrist. Then turns into a gibbering wreck and attacks dwarves

126 Gandalf shows up with more cheap tricks. Good effects though. Much fighting ensues.

126 Great goblin rubbish in combat, gets knocked over by a dwarf

127 Bilbo still resisting Gollum's advances. Puts on the Ring in that unique magic way only hobbits can

128 Bilbo now invisible. Dwarves vs. goblins combat continues

129 Cool portal-esque physics experiment set up by Thorin. Side effect: dead goblins. If around today he would so work at the Large Hadron Collider

129 Dwarves still winning the environmental battle. Need them in the UK Green lobby

130 Big rolling rock blatant rip-off from Temple of Doom. (What isn't?) Goblins go squish

131 Great Goblin rears his (very) ugly head again. But like before he's all talk. Easily killed but dwarves & Gandalf fall further down into the mountain interior

132 Gandalf, dwarves and Bilbo now ALL running away. Oftentimes it's a good tactic

133 Pity stays Bilbo's hand. He just can't bring himself to kill Gollum

134 Everyone escapes from the mountain. Goblins/Gollum not best pleased

135 Thorin so clever to goad Bilbo into showing himself. Wait, that's not how this went down.

136 Bilbo's big exposition. He has a home but wants to help dwarves find theirs. Aww...

137 Tenderness broken by appearance of Azog again. What an ('armless) bully he is

138 The gang climb into the precariously perched trees at the edge of a cliff to avoid Azog and his orc and warg cronies

139 Canny old Gandalf sends his message by express moth mail service. Thorin still in denial about Azog

140 Wargs bring down the trees in a blatant act of deforestation. The tree-hugging dwarves are much more environmentally responsible as we saw earlier! (129)

141 Gandalf makes some impromptu pine-cone incendiary hand grenades

142 The last tree they are clinging to right on the edge of cliff nearly topples over

143 Thorin such a brave hero. Engages Azog in combat mano-a-mano. No, that doesn't sound quite right. Dwarfo-a-Orco. Right. Shutting up now.

144 Thorin getting owned by Azog. White warg tosses him off onto a rock.(?!)

145 Bilbo just as effective as Alduin from Skyrim (but less of a baddie) in stopping an unwanted execution. He leaps to save Thorin knocking over orc swordsman

145 Bilbo and dwarves attack Azog and orc cronies. Bilbo pretty handy in a pinch. Azog strong but only half as handy.

146 Eagles come and save the day! Right in the nick of time! Catch dwarves falling from the tree much to Gandalf's (and our) delight

146 Eagles carting off wargs by the trainload. Long trek back for orcs now.

147 Unconscious Thorin, Bilbo. Gandalf and rest of dwarves now all rescued by those helpful eagles. That wasn't convenient AT ALL

147 Azog left looking like a total mug

148 Eagles soaring majestically with the gang in tow, as it were. More stunning NZ scenery

149 They are dropped off on a big outcrop. Gandalf tries to save Thorin and heals him with magic

150 Thorin not with it. Accusing Bilbo of being a burden. He must have concussion

150 Thorin admits he was wrong and gives Bilbo a big hug. Bilbo still pining for Gollum though.

151 Erebor the Lonely Mountain is now in sight. The dwarves can see home

151 Oin so needs to brush up on his ornithology. But birds returning back to Erebor?

152 We see the dragon's treasure hoard in Erebor. The dragon reveals itself from under massive pile of coins. What a rich git. He is considerably richer than you. Opens a big lizard eye. A creepy and foreboding end to the film! Thanks for sticking with me!!